After the Nursery Rhymes by Brian Tanner

Costa The Dung Beetle

Little Costa, a dung beetle,

Stood by his mummy’s side.

He watched his daddy working,

And his eyes grew very wide.

Costa asked his mummy,

“Is that what beetles do?”

“Yes” relied his mummy,

“We gather up goat’s poo.”

“Soon you can help your daddy

In the work he loves.”

“Oh please” said little Costa

“Can I have some gloves?”

Milo The Millipede

Milo the millipede

Is not out to play,

As putting his shoes on,

Has taken all day.

Now that he’s finished

With laces all tight,

He looks out the window,

And sees that it’s night.

Then comes the part

That millipedes dread,

Taking off shoes

Before going to bed.

A Mantis Family Meal

A baby praying mantis was feeling very sad.

So she asked her mother,

“Why don’t I have a dad?”

Her mummy said she should be glad,

She’d not been born a male.

The passing of her daddy,

Was quite a sorry tale.

The female praying mantis,

Needs to eat her mate,

So with a good Chianti

She’d had father on a plate.

Cosmos The Cicada

Cosmos the cicada

Held tightly to his tree,

As he bitterly regretted

His evening on Raki.

It had been quite a party,

A session with the boys,

Totally forgetting

That his job was making noise.

So here he was; his body

Vibrating like a drum,

Whilst he felt very sickly,

All his brain cells numb.

There’s got to be a better job,

Cosmos started thinking,

But until one comes along,

He swore he’d give up drinking.

Andreas The Locust

A locust called Andreas,

Ate every plant he spied.

To him it didn’t matter

How very hard you’d tried.

To raise it from a seedling

And water it with care,

Andreas saw it as a meal

Whilst spotting from the air.

Like a vintage biplane

He’d fly towards his goal,

Where you’d had your lovely plant

Andreas leaves a hole.

Dimitri The Snail

Dimitri is a snail,

Who does not fear attack.

When he crawls around the garden

With his home upon on his back.

If he senses danger

And thinks he needs to hide,

Pulling down his tentacles

He quickly goes inside.

Like a new age traveller,

Full of vegan zeal,

No one’s ever told him

Escargots are a meal.

Hermes The Earthworm

Hermes the earthworm

For those in the know,

Has made a small fortune

With his burlesque show.

He’s off to the nightclub,

Costume in bag,

Piles on the make-up

And slips into drag.

She’s then Aphrodite,

A stunning goddess,

A break from the compost

And burrowing mess.

The switching of gender

He/She takes as a right,

Perfectly natural

They’re Hermaphrodite.